There isn’t an easy way to say this (and, arguably, I’m not saying anything new): It’s very difficult to keep a relationship in-tact while also navigating chronic illness.
It really is no wonder that so many relationships fall apart when illness creeps in. Although many romantics would love to believe that true love is unconditional, the truth is it isn’t.
Just how you, or anyone else, may draw a line at cheating, abuse, or living miles apart, there are Conditions each person has that need to be met in order for the relationship to feel comfortable or safe.
Many people draw that line with illness.
What has always stumped me though is that out of all lines to draw, how can someone – who willingly steps into a relationship – choose to draw a line for Something that is not within either person’s control?
Illness can befall any person at any time.
As every person ages, no one can avoid the effects of existing in a biological skin suit on planet Earth.
The body eventually and inevitably breaks down. For some it’s earlier than expected. But I believe that’s why some random officiant many eons ago wrote into marriage vows “in sickness and in health” because no one is impervious to illness.
Whether it’s in your 20’s, 30’s, 70’s or 80’s, everyone at some point will have to make the tough decision to Choose to Stay.
When it comes to chronic illness, that choice takes endurance. That choice takes sacrifice. That choice is made over and over with every diagnosis, every procedure, every flare up. It’s not a damning decision, though. That choice brings depth to a relationship, it brings self-discovery, it brings understanding to the full spectrum of human experience.
I will die on the hill that illness is the pressure that can make the most meaningful and beautiful relationships.
What is lacking in the world is how.
The first step is communication. I know, you’ve heard it before, but it is The Way to defining and deepening the relationship. It allows each person to show up with the truth so that as a team, you can weed out the hurt. Together you can find balance and love in a way that is raw and real and good.
But you gotta open up your mouth. Or pick up your pen. Or your laptop. Whatever form of communication that allows you to speak openly.
Let’s start today. And what a topic to stat with: What Showing Up Actually Looks Like.
Below are the questions you and your partner can ask to know each other minds better. Do you best to let your partner really speak and have uninterrupted thought as they express themselves. Understand that there’s a possibility that not everything you hear is what you will want to hear, but these things need to be discussed so you both can “pull the weeds” together and build a life you love.
When my husband and I have had really high emotions towards each other, we have used a notebook to pass back and forth so that each person can take their time responding (we made a rule that a response must be returned within 48 hours).
I also have a link to a PDF if you, like me, need to scratch our your thoughts before sharing them. Also below are my mine and my husbands honest thoughts on these questions for where we are at Right Now; we chose to share them so our variety of readers may feel related to.
Comment your thoughts below!
- What does “showing up” look like for you right now – and how is that different than before?
- Where do you need more help that you’ve been hesitant to ask for?
- What has staying required of you in this season that you didn’t expect?
- What’s one way I’ve supported you that mattered more than I realized?
- What does staying look like for us moving forward – not perfectly, but honestly?
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1. What does “showing up” look like for you right now – and how is that different than before?
Kenyon (healthy spouse):
“I feel like showing up right now sometimes looks like setting my own needs aside to make room for the greater need of our family. For example, sometimes I have to be the one to drop the kids off at extracurriculars or preschool. It sometimes means that I cant sit and rest when I want to because there are always things to be done, ‘toddler fires’ to put out, etc. But it also means doing the things that meet your needs when you aren’t feeling good enough to meet them yourself. For example, I go to the store and buy you bags of Skinny Dipped chocolates *laughs* but I also might be the one to grab your oxygen or help you to a side of the house when you can’t walk well. How is it different from before? Really, the only thing that’s different from before is that we have kids now, as well as a home that we have to take care of, so its just a matter of balancing all of that – on top of the health things – that have been kind of an up and down roller coaster over the years. I still show up for doctor appointments when I can and I take the kids when you need time to rest. It’s different, but the same in many ways.”
Kodi (chronically ill spouse):
“Right now as I’m in the middle of a 10 day flare that has no end in sight, showing up feels small. I want the bed to swallow me up some moments because my limited ability is even more limited than it was before and that always throws my brain for a loop. Right now I am showing up by engaging with my kids, even if it’s from my bed; my head hurts a lot, so that isn’t always easy, but I am trying to remain engaged and interested in their life so they feel the love I have for them. For you, I am trying to check in with you and how you are a little more right now. I know more has been added to your plate recently since my body is wearing out quick everyday, so I am trying to be aware of your mood and give you what affection I can to help you feel loved for all the support you are giving our family. I am concerned for everyone in my family regularly, but right now it’s a little extra because my hope is that it alleviates some of the stress.”
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2. Where do you need more help that you’ve been hesitant to ask for?
Kenyon:
“I need a second ‘me’, so if you’re cool with two husbands that would really help me get things done *laughs*. Actually, I was going to a mental health therapist for a while there and I feel like it helped me at least vent our some of the frustrations that I felt with just life and living; its been a while since I’ve gone so I might consider going back, but that’s kind of the only thing right now.”
Kodi:
“Honestly? I need reassurances. Even though we’ve been navigating chronic illness for 10 years, I still struggle with feeling ‘enough’ that little comments of reassurance every day help me extra loved while we navigate this current flare together. When I don’t hear those reassurances, it feels like a form of the ‘silent treatment’ and I get worried that you’re upset with me. And if you are, that’s fine, I just want to know where you’re at from day-to-day so I can help you feel seen and loved. See? I need reassurances right now *laughs*.”
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3. What has staying required of you in this season that you didn’t expect?
Kenyon:
“Energy. I expected that it would take energy, I just think I underestimated how much energy and now I’m not in my 20s anymore. Sometimes I am really exhausted after a long day and I know that I have to wake up early and do it all over again tomorrow and my days of truly resting are kind of few and far between recently.”
Kodi:
“Staying has required me to remember who the ‘enemy’ is, and who is in my corner. When I’m in pain, I tend to be rather grumpy, even at you, and I have had to work on remembering that you do not have anything to do with the pain. This takes a strong conscious effort because my body wants to be in Fight or Flight when I’m hurting and wants to push everyone and everything away to ‘try to get the pain to stop’. Staying with you has challenged me to overcome my Animal Brain and remember that you are not the source of my pain, but a source of comfort and love that I can lean into.”
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4. What’s one way I’ve supported you that mattered more than I realized?
Kenyon:
“I think my answer to this would have to be scheduling, funny enough. I am not organized in a planning sort-of-way. I do not adhere to a schedule by default. It’s just not in my nature, but you have worked out a schedule with me so I have time to work on my side hustles, my content creation, and everything else that I’ve been involved in. You’ve given up time together in our evenings, after the kids go to bed, so I can accomplish my goals. I just want you to know that it doesn’t go unnoticed.”
Kodi:
“Recently it was when you bought me Skinny Dipped candies, even though we really didn’t have the grocery money for them. It may not seem significant in the giant list of Everything Else that you do, but your action of getting me a favorite treat while feeling unwell made my Emotional Hurt feel seen. You knew it would cheer me up, it wasn’t logical, it was purely fun and loving because you wanted me to smile and I really appreciated that.”
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5. What does staying look like for us moving forward – not perfectly, but honestly?
Kenyon:
“Staying looks like messing up a lot, but also being transparent with each other. It is realizing that at times this is hard for both of us and in order for us to both remain sane, we deserve some grace because staying is not always easy; in fact, a lot of times, it can be very difficult. My decision to stay with you is easy for me to make, but what comes with it is sometimes taxing (if that makes sense.) It really just means that that a lot of days I go to bed very tired and sore, but I on the same token I know that you go to bed tired and sore pretty much every day as well.”
Kodi:
“Staying looks like communication. I think at this point we both have a clear idea that there will be busy seasons, there will be slow seasons, there will be successful seasons, there will be disappointing seasons, and endless amount of possibilities! But we have been most successful in our progress when we are open and honest with each other. The “listen and don’t judge” adage has carried us through many tough conversations, and I know we will have more, but I look forward to the closeness we experience on the other side of those tough conversations and I look forward to our relationship deepening as we continue to Choose to Stay and continue to support each other through these seasons.”
