It’s the New Year. A fresh start. An exciting time to design and create 365 days that’ll match the mind’s wildest dreams and softest wishes. A moment to reflect on the wonders life holds and all the ways to capture & achieve. capture, achieve. cap cherr…acheef…yeah, no. It’s not for me. And it’s not because I’m one of those sweet, soft Bitties who get a rush from slow living and making tiny steps towards progress in whatever ethereal form it feels right with the moon cycle and crab migration and whatnot (I mean, I kinda wish I was…) that I choose not to set goals. It’s simply because Queen Chronic Illness rules my being and I must do what she says throughout the year…or else.
For many years I fought the authority of The Queen. I wanted to go where others were going, do what others were doing, live out dreams and goals and fantasies I had for my future, but The Queen would show up sooner or later and I would never make it to the end of my goals.
“A Reformation!” I thought. “I will just simplify my plans!” I’d break out the magazines and scissors and design very small, achievable goals. You know the type. “I’ll just sew 1 little project.” “I’ll start with a few varieties of seeds for my garden.” “I’ll just put a little money aside for my Savings every month.” But then The Queen would arrive mid-month, send me to the hospital and suddenly my seeds have all died, my sewing project begins to collect dust, and my empty Savings account gives a little cough of moths from its lack of use.
And it’s so hard to gain the courage to create new plans again when life seems to work in the opposite of Favor. Unfavor. Disfavor. Nun-again-favor. Pretty sure I’m cursed.
But no, it’s not a curse as much as it’s the reality of living with multiple chronic illnesses.
See, I never create New Year’s Resolutions anymore because I want to love my life and accept the condition of my body. I want to find the joy that can happen in the day, instead of Making It Happen. I want to take the pressure off my mind that I’ve only succeeded as long as I keep my goals. I choose to humble myself to my body’s unrhythmic cycles so I don’t cause damage to my health and risk my longevity.
No, New Year’s Goals are not for me. My one Resolution is to not make any. I choose to treat January 1st like I would treat any other unassuming day of the year. Another day for tea. Maybe a good book. A long breath of the crisp Winter air. I welcome the New Year with an open mind that the journey I will take around the sun will have endless possibilities that I will discover along the way.
And that suits me just fine.
– Kodi
