The world has never been kind to the sick and disabled; so many assumptions and misunderstandings run rampant about what chronic illness is actually like. Amazingly though, I feel that there is a group that is even more misunderstood: The Partners who choose to say with someone sick or disabled.

I’ve never been able to grasp that people could view any human as less than human just because they function differently. My Dad used to tell me stories about the years he lived in Taiwan and how cruel people would be towards the disabled; spat on, stepped on, regarded as filth. Their belief in reincarnation meant that the culture believed that they deserved their crippled state due to poor behavior in a previous life.

Similarly we have examples in the Bible about groups of individuals who were segregated and removed from normal society due to their condition. More recently, take for example the modern-day praise of Nordic countries “nearly eradicating Down Syndrome” by no other phenomenon than abortion. Ancient Sparta legally mandated the termination of disabled infants and Nazi Germany….well, they did their thing in horrifying and unspeakable ways.

I’m not trying to cause any rage by bringing this up, but I am trying to illustrate that either due to religion, class, national standards, etc. those chronically ill or disabled have not been well received in post or modern-day history.

Thankfully living in modern-day America there are no termination mandates for people like me…but there is a Sneaky Stigma that finds its ways into pop culture.

The idea that: I Am Not An Item Of Interest If I Cannot “Perform” Like Others.

Surely, who could “ever have romantic feelings for someone with a chronic illness.” It’s not like I have “anything to give the world” if I can’t work out, drive myself around, make plenty of money at my college-degree-driven career, and perform like a trapeze artist in bed.

Right?

That Sneaky Stigma is the idea chronic illness automatically means you are not desirable.

This article, and everything I am trying to create now, is driven to show that mixed-ability relationships can be happy and fulfilling. I want to provide tools, resources and understanding to these situations so more relationships succeed.

The world wants people to believe that only healthy people deserve and find love. Or you both have to be sick/disabled for the relationship to “make sense”.

It is possible that a Healthy Partner can and does find love and fulfillment in a sick-well partnership.

And there are too many assumptions and misunderstandings as to why a Healthy Partner would choose to stay with someone who has intermittent or failing health. Because of the Sneaky Stigma, the world can’t fathom why someone would choose to “strap themselves to a sick person” when there are “plenty of healthy options in the world.”

I feel like this information sticks a lot better though if people hear it straight from the horses mouth, so I did a little mini interview with my healthy husband and asked him his honest thoughts about our marriage. Here are 5 False Assumptions people make about marriages like ours – and what is actually true.

Note: at the end of this article there are questions for you and your partner to discuss and connect and learn about how each other feels about your relationship. I even have a PDF file you can download for more in depth reflection and discussion. My husband and I have discussed these exact topics again and again to get more on the same page and to understand each other better. Understanding each other better improves our relationship. There has been (and continues to be) growing pains, but we know that communication is key to solving issues, connecting deeper and having greater success in our relationship.

Assumption #1. One partner does everything

Q: “Do you feel like our roles are split or do you feel like you do everything in our life together?”

A: “I definitely don’t feel like I do everything in our life. It took some time, but I feel like we have learned to find a balance in our roles, even if they look different than other households. I pick up more of the things that require physical labor like cleaning, fixing the house, making dinner and working a job, and you do the administrative home things, like homeschooling the kids, scheduling the family and doing the stay-at-home-mom job. Of course, when your health flares, we have to be flexible in those roles. More than anything, in those times, we shift our priorities to the necessary tasks. The tasks that don’t absolutely have to be done are taken off our list and we split our roles differently again while you take time to recover. This shift in roles is frequent being that your health shifts frequently, but whether you’re caring for our home or caring for your body, you have a role in this family as much as I do. We find that balance in our roles through communication and compassion.”

Assumption #2. The healthy partner feels trapped or resentful

Q: “Would you rather be with someone else who wasn’t sick?”

A: “No. I’d do it all over again if I had the choice. Our relationship has taught me sacrifice and self-discipline more than any other person, phony self-help book or influencer could have. To me, I don’t think of you as someone ‘who is sick’, I think of you as the person that I grew to love deeply. Our relationship has been more fulfilling and joyful than I could have imagined.”

Assumption #3. Romance disappears when chronic illness enters the picture

Q: “Do you find our relationship romantic?”

A: “Yes. It absolutely looks different for us than other couples but we still prioritize that spark of romance, particularly with weekly dates. Our dates may sometimes consist of board games in our bedroom or cheese and wine (Martinelli’s sparkling cider) on the floor but they always come with plenty of laughter, kisses and sometimes more… 😉 Between holding hands in the car, kisses in the kitchen and spending time together (even when you’re not feeling well), we find those little ways to connect on an intimate level. I feel we have a deeply romantic relationship because we’ve aimed to make it that way, just like any other relationship.”

Assumption #4. The sick partner is the only one being taken care of

Q: “Do you feel cared for and supported in our relationship?”

A: “Yes. You have pushed me in my goals when I have wanted to give up. You have comforted me when I was feeling broken, and I have done the same for you. For example, that time I got bursitis, you took the brunt of the house work and child care even though you didn’t feel all that great either. You’ve lamented not being able to earn money to support our family but I’ve never expected that from you. You have, moreover, given me encouragement to go above and beyond what I thought I could do with my own side-hustles and career. We have both had seasons of care and we’ve both risen to meet the challenge when it was our turn. Maybe the output looks different than other couples, but that misses the point: We are both giving what we can.”

Assumption #5. The healthy partner only stays out of obligation

Q: “Do you stay with me because you feel like you have to stay with me?”

A: “Only ever since we tied the knot (haha). If anyone knows our story, they know that you couldn’t keep me away from you despite numerous attempts to break up. I wanted you and I wasn’t swayed because you had chronic illnesses. I stay because I want to. I stay because I love you.”

Questions for Connection

So there you have it, World. A Healthy Partner who is happy because they look beyond the skin to the real person underneath.

Now I know that interview made us seem like we’re so “sappy in love” that you might prefer a bath of maple syrup over hanging out with us. We are in love, but there have been seasons (and will likely be more) where our relationship is not peachy and pretty all the live-long day.

Communication and asking the right questions have made a huge difference.

We want to share 3 questions you and your partner can explore to better understand each other and begin building a firmer foundation. My husband and I recommend a couple of small rules to help your communication thrive.

A. Let them speak, give them space to do so. If using a “talking stick” helps, do it. We’ve had to before so the other person does not interrupt (it’s me, I’m the problem.).

B. Listen with an open mind. You might not love everything you hear, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be discussed. Bear in mind, you can’t take back anything that is said so approach each subject with tenderness.

Through this conversation you can explore the mind of the other person and find the raw materials of how they really feel and any places that could use some tender love, and care.

If you would like a PDF download that allows you to write your thoughts and explore these questions a little further, click the box below.

1. What do you think I carry that others don’t see? Is there a way I could feel more supported in that?
2. When do you feel most misunderstood in our relationship? What do you wish people knew?
3. What does ‘showing up’ look like for you right now, and how might that be different from before?